it’s an interesting thing. when i was younger, i used to believe if were to be gone, it would put less strain onto my family. i felt like the cause of many problems. people were mean to me and nobody wanted to be my friend. i wasn’t pretty or cool at all. i even remember this new girl came to school an she didn’t want to be my friend because people bullied her for talking to me. then eventually one of my best friends, saw all my bruises and scars on my forearm. She cried a little bit and started to yell. I still didn’t understand, but i stopped because I didn’t want to make her sad anymore. high school was a mess, i never wanted to be there most of the time and now that i’m back in the area, i hate it even more. I got to college and spent the first year doing some of the most worst things that can deteriorate a body. I’m paying for it all right ow. I thought I saw death and apologized for all of my doings and started to cry. I kept thinking how many people I can hurt if were to be gone. Now, I know every day someone passes, and I was grateful enough to not feel death till now. I see the pain that’s in my baby brother’s eyes, and it starts to hurt me. I see emptiness that they’re trying to make sense of. I understand that, I’m not going to lie, seeing things on the news like Paul Walker’s death, got to me. Here are couple of thoughts, as a person, you make difference to someone whether or not you are famous. You are loved by someone, so stop believing like you’re not. It can come in different shapes and forms. bottom line, YOU ARE LOVED. stop worrying about the replaceable things in life; like money or material things. Stop fulfilling someone else’s dream and live yours. Spend time with your loved ones and gain all the memories you can. Life goes on if material things break or are gone. Just be happy you get to breathe another day.
It’s all getting to me because some people that passed recently are so young, and i stress every day about money or looking a certain way. which now seems so stupid. and I guess i leave with this, so really DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY EVERYDAY, because Life is too short and Tomorrow is Never Promised.
AND ITS NOT EVEN ON FUN EXPENSES. shit like hospital bills and grad school applications.
I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.
What I need to survive is not Gale’s fire kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again and only Peeta can give me that.